Flippin' eck !

I’m loathe to use swear words on this blog, in fact apart from the odd ’bloody’, I think you would struggle to bloody find one. The main reason being, that you never know who might be reading it, and I wouldn’t want any member of the Royal Family to be offended now would I.

Well I can assure you dear readers reader, that I am not the saint this makes me out to be. I can use ‘pit language’, as my mother used to call it, with the best of them. In fact at times, I find it an essential part of my vocabulary, such as when I’m driving or watching politicians on television.

Down at the allotment site, we have one particular character who has perfected the art of swearing to such an extent, that he not only swears every second word, but every third and fourth as well. I’ve mentioned him before, Effing Phil. We nicknamed him that to indicate his particular favourite.

My dear departed brother also had a favourite swear word, ‘chuffin’, and did enough ‘chuffin’ to have had a memorial plate erected in his honour at the York Railway Museum. I always thought the word quite benign, as he would use it in front of anyone he met, but I recently googled it (with its attendant letter g) and got quite a shock. I now wonder if he knew all along, and just didn’t give a damn.

I don’t have any favourites as such, as I like to keep my options open and tailor them to the situation. So, for instance, a dunked biscuit that decides to go for a swim in my tea may get a ‘b*gger’, whereas the tea spilt on to my lap, would definitely get a mumbled ‘f**k’.

I’m also known to use the word ‘b**tard’  quite a lot as well, but in an anthropomorphous way, whereby I give life to inanimate objects. So for instance, if Mrs N hears me shouting “come here you little b**tard”, from the garage, she knows I’m not swearing at one the grandkids, but at a dropped screw that has rolled as far under a cupboard as it’s possible to do.

I reserve my strongest outbursts however , with words strung together on a bejewelled necklace of profanity , for situations where I get  physically injured.

So, in keeping with my blogger policy, I can only leave it to your imaginations to fill in what I said when I recently did this down at the plot.

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