If you find this disappointing then I’m sorry, but I can assure you I am real, and these are real happenings on and around a real allotment somewhere in North Yorkshire, England.
However, as a consolation I would like to offer a tantalising glimpse of what I actually look like, and a recent trip to the seaside town of Filey provided just that opportunity.
The day started with a walk through the formal gardens, that had endless bright but boring flower beds.
Then, like a shimmering oasis in a horticultural desert, I spotted an unusual flower bed on one of the grassed areas. Here, someone had created a miniature annual flower meadow full of impressionistic colour, that was a beauty to behold.
The insects thought so too.
We then strolled along the sea front and had a coffee in one of the cafes, whilst watching the gulls harrying the holidaymakers. Alas our peace was shattered by a small boy at the next table, who much to his mother’s displeasure was jumping up and down on the said table and chucking his chips everywhere. So we moved on.
But what the hell has this got to do with what he looks like ? I hear you ask.
Well just round the next corner, we happened to pass a very famous television gardening personality who I think looks like a bit like me.
Was it Alan Tichmarsh, who’s waxwork model in Madame Tussauds has to have lipstick wiped off it twice a week? If only.
Or even that epitome of
No kind people, it was neither of these, it was the wonderfully ebullient Christine Walkden, coming in the other direction.
Sorry I didn't get a picture, but she was off like a shot being pulled along by a very large dog.
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