Molluscophobia.

Picked a couple of cauliflowers today, and I was reminded that they were the first vegetables I ever attempted to grow.  Don’t ask me why, as they must be one of the most awkward and I didn’t particularly like them back then, but now I love them.

At the time we were a newly married young couple living in a ground floor rented flat that had no garden at all, only a small patch of bare soil at the back that barely saw any daylight never mind sunshine.

It was when the Good Life was on television, the first time around (God I’m getting old), and I fancied Felicity Kendal was hooked on the series. I wanted to grow vegetables just like they did and be self-sufficient, but I hadn’t got a clue what to do. I diligently dug this tiny bit of earth, bought a packet of seeds, carefully sowed them just as it said on the packet, and waited for what seemed forever.

I checked for signs of life everyday, but nothing happened, then to my surprise after a few weeks, some little seedlings eventually struggled through into what should have been daylight.

Oh how I nurtured those delicate little plants, and as I’d avidly watched Gardener’s World I knew I had to guard against weeds and slugs. There was no need to worry about weeds, as nothing grew there of its own accord, but slugs were another matter altogether.

The backyard where the patch was situated was both dark and damp, with ferns growing out of the wet wall where the guttering overflowed. It was a slug heaven if ever there was one and you could see their trails everywhere. Any stone or brick you turned over would reveal a family of the horrible things living under it and they even got into the kitchen through the air bricks.

Yes we had House Slugs, and more than once I trod on one at night making my way to the bathroom through the kitchen. I once went to get a knife out the cutlery drawer and the handle moved when I grasped it, Arghh !  Oh yes it was, and I developed something of a phobia of the things after that, hence the title above.

We tried, the usual methods like putting salt down, but that didn’t stop them, they just laughed and tossed it over their shoulders for good luck. Someone suggested beer, but they had a party and got pissed on it I think, it would have been better to just drink it myself and not be bothered about them.

So it was a constant battle to keep them off my precious little cauliflower plants, that were struggling for dear life as it was in those pitiful conditions.

Then one fateful morning I found just the stalks left, they had been devastated by a rapacious slug army. Not only had these evil molluscs damaged me psychologically for life, they were now trying to rob me of my inner farmer.

Thankfully I overcame this setback and went on to future vegetable success, but I never got over my fear and loathing of slugs, and I can be turned into a quivering jelly at the sight of just one, especially those big black ones that look like liquorice!!!!!